#8 I learned.

I wish I could go back to the time when all I had to think of was how I would be able to wake up early the next morning for school.

I wish I could go back to the time when all I care about was what I eat on McDonald's every Sunday while stopping my chubby little body from growing bigger.

I'd like to go back to that time when all I do is laugh, laugh and laugh more about something that I'd probably think of today as something that isn't worth laughing about.

I'd like to be able to smile again like nothing on earth would ever let that perfect smile fade away from my face.

I'd like to be able to think of thoughts like that of a little girl's innocent mind again and stop these crazy voices from crashing down on me even for just one day.

I'd like to dream of beautiful things where I wouldn't be a terrorist, terrorizing a computer shop with a time bomb that's about to explode in about five seconds.

I'd like to befriend you all over again with a genuine smile plastered across my face.

I'd like to love you again with the same amount of pure happiness that you get from a box of Ferrero Rocher.

I'd surely want to correct the mistakes I did.

I'd surely want to do everything in the right way again.

But I know for one fact
This are all wishful thinking that my mind wants to be able to go back to...

I may have regret a lot of things that I'd probably would deny if you asked me personally right now,

But here's one thing I'd have to say...

I learned.

:)

(June 8, 2010)

#7 To my best friend.

If I knew
how to use several languages
to give you a simple happy birthday message
I would.

In Chinese,
I would wish you
Luck in all the things
That you want to take on.

In English,
I would hope
For you to be able to pass over
All the obstacles God will bring you.

In Japanese,
I would pray
That you'd be able to cross the globe
In search of what you truly want to do with your life.

In French,
I would dream
That you'd find the love
The love that you've been waiting for,
for so long.

In Filipino,
I would say
Loud and clear that we, your friends,
Are glad to have met someone special like you.

In computer language,
I would program
You something that may help you
Finish those strings and loops
I manage to see on your laptop.

And lastly in Latin,
I would sing to God
That may He bestow you good health
To help you take on the challenge of living this life.

I thank God
For giving me a best friend like you
That even though we don't even get to see each other
And have our talks and moments
We still share the same strong bond that we always had from the start.

I will always love you,
my best friend.

Love,
Charisse

(June 7, 2010)

#6 Like falling in love with something new everyday.

You don't know
How much I appreciate
Your support
The kind that makes me feel
So very much a part of an extended family
I hope to have

You don't know
How much I appreciate
Life after you came
Spontaneous
like a river smoothly flowing
Over a vast plain

You don't know
How much I appreciate
Your small gestures
Those that makes my heart skip a beat
Like falling in love
With something new everyday

You don't know
That life without someone like you
Wouldn't be the same as it were now
It sounds cliche
But I never would ever want to imagine
Never would want nothing to do with you

(June 6, 2010)

#5 Ako.

I smile
Because today I could still open my eyes
And appreciate the beautiful things around me
I laugh
Because today I could still hear clearly
The voices of the people I have come to cherish and love
I cry
Because today I could still feel
How much each of those people means to me
I kiss
Because today I still want
To let all those people know I'm here for them
I write
Because I still want to touch
The lives of others even for a mere second
I sing
Because today I still want
Others to understand how I feel when my own words can't describe what I really want to say

This is all I have
But I'm never ashamed nor in doubt
I believe
Because I know that
Everyday is a miracle
And only this, I can say
Thank you God

(June 6, 2010)

#4 To my father.

Once I was born into an unknown world
As I opened my hazy-focused eyes
You were there staring at me like I was the perfect creature made by God
You carried me in your arms like I was a fragile glass that would surely break once you hold onto it tightly
You smiled and said my name
I stare up at you hoping that even though I still can't speak
You would understand what my eyes are trying to say.

Once I was a five year old kid
You carried me in your arms
Calling me and telling me that I am your "siobe"
And I giggle like it was the best compliment I have every heard
I hug you tightly
Hoping that through my embrace
You would surely understand what I'm trying to say.

Once I was a thirteen year old teenager
Too young to know the world but too old to sit on the supermarket's cart
You hold onto my hand
As if I'd be gone if you weren't holding onto it
I'm still young and in need of a lot of your reassurance and presence
I hold your hand tightly
Wishing that my actions
Well let you understand what I'm trying to say.

Once I was seventeen year old
Am now in college and trying to find my own path in life
You call up to me
And we have our late-night bonding/s
Each stories makes me understand you a lot better
And I hope that through the ears that I lend for listening
May let you understand how much you meant to me.

Now I'm eighteen years old
Still a kid at heart but have an independent mind that can think
I'm still your "siobe"
that little girl who was lost in a shopping mall due to a hotdog stand
that little girl who only wants to be carried by another person all day long
that little girl who has a very big ego (makapal mukha)
And nothing can change that.

I still don't have anything to make you proud of
And I still need your continued guidance
But here's a poem/letter
I hope would let you understand what I really feel...

I'm very thankful to have a father like you
I love you, papa!
Happy 50th! mwah!

(June 4, 2010)

#3 McDonald's.

What's best about today
Wasn't where I've been to
Wasn't what I've been bothered by
Wasn't how long I walked just to get from one place to another
It wasn't what I ate
And it definitely wasn't how much calories those food I consumed had.

What's best about today
Was the laughter
The conversation
The day itself
And the fact that a hundred pesos could make me happier than I actually am.

And it wasn't all that
What's best about today
Was the conversation I had with those people I come to know as friends
It was the bond that a few hours of staying at McDonald's could give
Kudos to all of you!
You all are truly one of a kind.

(June 3, 2010)

#2 Wednesday.

I'm thankful for having you
For having someone to talk to
For having someone to lean on
For having somebody who I know would save me and help clear the things that I'm afraid to take on.

I'm thankful for meeting you
On the days that I felt alone
On the days that the sun is brighter than I could ever imagine
Thank you for letting me be who I am.

There's so much I could say
There's so much I would want to say
But no other words could somehow ever describe what it is I'm feeling.

I thank the Lord that you're here with me
That He had planned and intertwined our very own worlds.

I thank you for today.

And for the rest of the days...
I'm going to be thankful for having a person like you come into my life.

~C. Chua (June 2, 2010)

#1 Turn.

If ever there was a time that I would be able to have the courage to say to you, once and for all, that I love you?

I would do it.

I won't think twice.
I would say it straight away.
Loud and clear enough for you to exactly hear what I'm dying to say...

I love you with all my heart.

C. Chua (June 1, 2010)

100 thoughts project. :D

Today is the day that will make my days extra special. :)

sorry for the redundancy of the words but there it goes. :D

first, today is a very special day because it is the day i can finally call myself a junior in college. hihihi. Unofficially, of course since i'm taking a leave of absence again. :( but anyway... there goes my college life. :D

second, i decided i will make a 100 days project! weee! well, i'm still deciding whether i will make 100 = 1 poem/day project or 100 memorable events/day project. But rest assured that i will start tomorrow since it's also the start of the month June. :D I got this idea from a classmate of mine in high school. What she was and is still doing these days is to shoot a photo for 100 consecutive days. It's kind of cool to take pictures but since I don't really have a way with cameras... I shall deal with what I think would be the best option for me... and that is my thoughts!

1 thought for a day.

oha... sabaw nako. biglang tagalog na. :))

I shall try to post everyday on this account. sabawan na! :D

~ C. Chua

11:11

I want to tell you how much I hate you
I want to even tell you how I wished you were never someone I have met
I want to tell you a lot of things-- things that would make you break.
Like how I loathe you and how disappointed I was with every decision you make.

I feel embarrassed with how you go on with your life
I know it isn't my life and I know it's better for me to butt out of your own business
But can't you see who suffers the most?

I know that you're not the president of a country nor the CEO of a multinational company that looks up, wholeheartedly, to you for guidance.
You're not that kind but still... you're needed.

I need you the most.
Because it is you who I look up to a lot.
Your encouragement.
Your words.
Your guidance.

It is very important to me.

But how come... just when I needed you the most
You become someone I couldn't even recognize.

You know that it hurts a lot.
How you manage to make me hope for a promise that you're really meant to break.

Now, all is lost.
I can't even tell you how much you broke me-- my spirit.
When I need someone who I can run to for comfort, I couldn't even run to you.
I couldn't even tell you what's bothering me.

I'm sorry... I can't trust you anymore.

-----

I hope to lose myself for good
I hope to find it in the end
But not in me, me
In You
In You

L.L. #1

It's difficult when you're crushing someone from afar.
Like you continue on falling for him even though you know that from the very start... everything you have and will imagine will never ever become possible.

Unless you change it--the fact that there's just too many boundaries between the two of you and you make up for all of it, endure everything until you gain that one thing... that is, to be close to him. That, my friend, changes things.

It's like the world just gone upside down when that happens.
But believe me, I think the journey you'll experience will be one that is very fulfilling on your part. Though you might need to add a little bit of rocky roads or heart-stopping roller coaster rides or even seeing what you fear the most... I bet, you'll still say in the end...

No regrets.

And why is that?

Because you know that you tried.

That, that was your decision and making that choice made you happy. Making that decision made you realize that you are a free person who has the right to do anything you want (except maybe contradicting the law of the government... that might get you into a situation you probably won't like -.-).

So what I'm saying is... in short, chase your dream.

Great men chase their dreams that's why they make a difference in their lives. You just need to add a little bit of courage and perseverance and I think you probably would have a better chance of getting what you truly desire.

Anything is possible when you believe. Bam, just pray for it and take action and I know that everything will turn out great!

Chase your dream. Even though you think your dreams are shallow for others... hey, what do they know about you anyway? It's your choice. They don't have anything to do with what you aspire to do in life.

Chase your dream. Make the most out of life. You know, life isn't about just waking up, eating, brushing your teeth, taking a shower, going to school or working, then back to sleeping again; It isn't a cycle you need to get bored to begin with... It is so much more.

Well, that is in my opinion but hey! Since you're reading my blog... hear me out, okay?

I, 100% believe that there's more to life. I believe that each one of us really have missions we have to finish before we get to heaven or something. We need to fulfill that mission by going through tough experiences, that may make or break us, and in turn is where we learn and become who we ought to be.

There's always that two forks of path in front of you. That is to say, if you're going to choose what your mind and heart wants or what others think might be best for you. Choice. You decide what you really want and be happy.

I'm not saying that you don't follow those who are in authority like your parents. I believe that they know so much more than we have since they have lived on this life way, way before we have lived.

What I am saying is that if you have something in mind that you want to say...

SPEAK UP.

Tell them what you think would be the best option in your opinion. Tell them what you think you really want to do with life. Tell them everything that is concerning you so that at the end of the day, you wouldn't regret anything because you know that you have at least tried to point out what has been bothering you inside.

So go forth, chase your dreams. There's never such a phrase as "it's too late."

While you're living, you still have a chance to change things.

Be the change you want to be.

~C. Chua

Hey you!
Yes you.
I love you

What. Why. When.

Made this last year but don't remember the date. Just know it. :))

What. Why. When.

What's there in between what we call hope and what we call desperation?
Like and love?
Knowing when to stop and knowing when to go on?

Why do people always make the same generalized mistakes over and over again?
Though there's already that line where they can't ever cross over--they still urge on, even when they know they're already turning slowly like those fools in love.
Why do people never get satisfied with the people that already treasures them inside and out?
Why do they continue to seek those that they know, from the start, would never ever consider accepting and loving them for who they are?
Why can't they stop letting other people hurt them so much?
Is it a crime to love 100% that those who gives, never receives it back?

When will there be a time when people could trust one another without any worries or doubts?
When will they learn how to love those who already loves them and stop seeking what their mind wants?

When will everything be in full circle again?

~ C. Chua

Hey you!
Yes you.
I love you

A letter to Sir Bob.

A brief background about this letter is that it is for one of the best professors I have ever met in my second year college life. He is actually one of my favorites who really made me learn something I knew I could use in my daily life. I made this when I was on my bed, mourning about him. But I knew ayaw ni Sir ng may sad face kase puro tawa lang gusto nun pero I couldn't help it at that time. I really miss him and I'm really thankful to God for letting me become his student even if it's only for a term. He really inspired me and continues to inspire me to do best in my chosen course. Sir Bob, kung san ka man I know you're happy. May your legacy live on!

February 2, 2010
A letter to Sir Bob

I can't seem to stop my tears from falling.

It has been two days since I've heard the news about you passing away. And now, it's finally starting to sink in.

I regret so many things which includes you as one of its main character.

I regret not even having a 4.0 for a test score in you 30-item exams. I regret the fact that I'm never going to have you as my professor again. And most of all, I regret always forgetting to look at my raw scores when you told us to go to the psychology faculty depratment.

And now I would never ever have a chance of knowing why I got a 2.0 on your course for my final grade.

THEOPER was one class I always was interested in. Having you as my professor made it even more interesting as you spice things up with a simple joke or mind-boggling experience. Being a pupil, you've inspired me a lot. When I was actually deciding whether I was really in the right course or not, you were able to motivate me and made me realize how interesting the study of the mind is.

I always endured the icy cold temperature of room M319 just to listen to your lectures.

You may not know me very well since I'm just one of the many faces who looks up to you from afar. I was never an outstanding student but having you greet me on the Yuch lobby, SPS canteen, or the SJ hallway makes me feel worthy--special.

You always had a bright smile on your face when you greet people when they call you out. You walk with a comfortable stride like you have a ll the time in the world and you teach like those mentors who really knows what their subject is about.

You're really a brilliant teacher and I will always love, admire and respect you for that.

~ C. Chua

Hey you!
Yes you.
I love you

D. N.

*Don't really know the exact date I did this since it's been stuck on my cellphone's notes for a long time now but here it is. This, truly is for someone you wouldn't know because I won't tell. HAHA.

D. N.

I've never told you this before but you're cute.

Especially when you laugh at some weird corny joke you've abruptly thrown in on our conversation.

There's just something about your chinky eyes that makes me laugh with you even though your joke never was the type to make a normal person smile--or even laugh. Well, it's not even about the chinkyness of your chinky eyes but... there's just really something about you that draws me to your silent yet charismatic personality.

You make me smile for a reason I haven't yet understood. But this I tell you, it's genuinely true.

We've never been able to hang out properly but during those times that we do, I honestly felt myself comforted in your company with the stash of your corny jokes lurking around the corner.

We may have both of our silenced moments and sometimes, yeah, it's awkward... but to truly have you there and feeling that there's trust between us really makes me happy.

I still may be far from getting to know the real you but at this moment you and our friendship means a lot to me.

~ C. Chua

Hey you!
Yes you.
I love you

Impossible - 3rd year Literature MTV project

Wrote this song for one of my projects when I was in 3rd year high school. Something to do with the greek story about Echo and Narcissus. :))

Chords goes as follow: G, D, C, Em, D... kaso ewan ko kung magegets nyo. :)) Since it's a music video malamang dapat may video kaso di ko na din alam kung asan ung kopya ko nyan... nakakahiya rin eh. sabog ung guitar ko nun ;)

Impossible

Verse:
Staring straight at you
Could this feelings ever be true
Wonder how you see me through
Cause I can't stop thinking about you

Refrain:
Each passing day
I come here to stay
Each passing day
I just don't know what to say

Chorus:
I've loved you forever
Just the way I want to say
Why don't you come and stay
Till we hold hands together, forever

Verse 2:
Staring straight at you
Could you see me through
Could this possibly be true
This feelings I have for you

Refrain:
Each passing day
I've got to say
Each passing day
I just don't know what to say

Chorus:
I've loved you forever
Just the way I want to say
Why don't you come and stay
Till we hold hands together, forever

repeat chorus

together, forever (2x)

~ C. Chua

Hey you!
Yes you.
I love you

Sioti (pang-pang): Pilosopo Tactics

Pang-pang means panget. :)) well, in my sioti's vocabulary it is.

Since the time he was able to speak, yan na ung asar nya samin ng achi ko. Well, talo parin sya samin pero up until now, when we talk to each other... di nawawala ung pang-pang after calling each other.

Well, anu pa ba pwede ko sabihin tungkol sa kanya? Hmmm... though he makes all kinds of nicknames for me... the best talaga sya... :D

Manang-mana kase sakin eh :))

No seriously. Hahaha! I'm regretting letting him learn all my pilosopo tactics kase ngayon sobrang galing na nya mambara din! Minsan, alam mo un... sapul! Pero fun fun fun parin. :)

It's difficult to think of a life without this kid.

Really glad to have him in the family. :D

*Me and my brother when we were in Hong Kong.

Nakakamiss lang. Parang dati kase walang masyadong problema. Actually... joke lang din. :)) madami na problema pero wala lang... ang cute cute ng sioti ko jan eh... di ko matiis. Tapos...

Bungi pa. :))

lagot nako pag nalaman nya pinost ko to ;))

Pero just realizing how important he is in my life. :D

~ C. Chua

Hey you!
Yes you.
I love you

Under the bat of my eyelashes.

This poem was just recently made. Wala lang na-inspire kase ako eh pero aun nga...:))

April 28, 2010
Under the bat of my eyelashes

I look up at you under the bat of my eyelashes

You always seemed to be out of this world,
Thinking of something that I don’t have any idea what is about.

Then suddenly your eye moves,
Staring into an entity that makes you attentive for a while

You stare with utmost mysteriousness that leaves me hanging
Making me want to wait for you
Making me want to wait for your next move

Still under the bat of my eyelashes
Questions lingers within me

What holds your attention?
I really want to know
Would you look at me if I was the one who had a sad look on their eyes?
Would I be able to hold you’re attention even for a second?
Can I even hold your attention?

Under the bat of my eyelashes
Your eyes moves in my direction
I, hoping that you were going to stare at me,
feel all giddy inside
But then
Your eyes shifts and quickly centers on the one right next to me

You don’t know but my world crashed down
Silently
Under the bat of my eyelashes

~ C. Chua

Hey you!
Yes you.
I love you

Thank goodness you broke up with me as early as you could strike.

This one's short, I guess. But it gives off a good feeling, well for me that is. :))

November 7, 2009
Thank goodness you broke up with me as early as you could strike.

I want to laugh out loud for the mere reason that I’ve seen you today.

It’s not that you look like a clown (for me) but your face made me remember the times I’ve spent crying myself to sleep, bleeding for someone whom I’ve now realized was one fucked-up narcissistic jackass.

It’s not that your name sounds like wet poo around the corner of the street—since I know it means noble—but because your name made me remember what it felt like to be in love with a little boy who calls himself a man but definitely wasn’t one.

It’s not because of the bright orange shirt you were wearing, that didn’t really mesh with the color of your skin, but because it slowly enlightened me of how much happier I could have been without a YOU in my life.

And it definitely wasn’t because of the crooked, crossed-eyed smile of yours that made me want to barf, but because of the fact that I regret all the simple things I’ve sacrificed just to be with you.

So for everything that flashed through my mind, I tried to form a smile as our paths slowly met; hoping that smile I send off... would finally make you understand.

That every little feeling I had for you won’t ever go in that direction again. That I’d still like to be thankful for the things you’ve made me learn. That I really could show you how much happier I have been after you left me.

*Ako na masama! :))

~ C. Chua

Hey you!
Yes you.
I love you

Enough.

Second Poem. And a lot more to go. :))

This one is actually one of my favorites even though it's kind of sad when you think about it. Makes me reflect more about my past and how bitter I was back then. :))

October 1, 2009
Enough

Do you remember?
When we were old enough not to be called kids but a little too young to be considered as an adult...

...I was in love with you.

Me, my all being, was hopelessly in love with you.

I didn’t even know how it had begun, it just did.
I just woke up with you controlling over everything of my senses.

It had always been a bumpy ride when I was with you.
You made me unsure of myself; you made me do things I have never thought I was capable of doing.

You made me feel.

Feel what it means to love somebody so much that you don’t want anything to hinder them from their happiness,
Feel what it means to be happy just by seeing their face on their yahoo messenger,
And to feel yourself slowly deteriorating when they finally say,

I just don’t love you no more.

I start to laugh.
It had always been like this.

Why?

So many questions left unanswered, leaving the cut so fresh that it continues diving itself deeper inside.

Was the hurt you made me feel worth it?

Time turned into wasted, uncreative days.
I’ve let myself believe that I’ve really moved on but somehow, you unexpectedly sneak in your way into my head, and I suddenly...

...Just wanted to be with you again.

But it’s impossible!

You look better than when we were together.
You look happy, with your sort-of crooked smile, and everything just seems to fall into place.

I just try my best to show a smile for you, hoping that this is what’s really for the best.

I don’t know anything about you anymore.
I can’t decode you, your actions nor read your mind.

I just can’t.

I just can’t be the one you wanted to be with.

~ C. Chua

Hey you!
Yes you.
I love you

Classless Note.

Haha. Natuwa naman ako sa pag-blog. :)) So here's another entry... Wrote this poem January 1, 2009. saklap eh. New year... tapos nag-eemo. :)) Hope y'all like it. :D

January 1, 2009
CLASSLESS NOTE

I’ve just realized tonight that I’ll never ever get to hold your hands.

Though my mind still remembers the way it felt when our hands fit snuggly within the contours of each other’s fingers, reality strikes me to say to myself that it will never be like it was before.

The memory of your fingers lingering against my hand seems too far away now.
But just the thought, it all comes back... fresh in my mind like everything just happened yesterday.

The feelings that have evoked within me would stay permanent—

Never could be stopped.

Are you thinking of the same thing right now? Or did everything vanish from your mind already?

Your mind’s already locked the key out of reach for me. But I know you would remember.

I know you would.

Just the thought of a single word connected to the idea, makes you think of it too.

But you’ll put it aside.

Covered with one heavy quilt, forever invisible but embedded on your mind.

I close my eyes surrendering to the fact that I’m already half into my empty dreamland.

But as I slowly remember every word that I’ve shed onto this classless note...

I’ve just realized tonight that I’ll never ever get to hold your hands.

Not the way it used to be.

Not anymore.

~ C. Chua

Hey you!
Yes you.
I love you

First Entry

"All my life I've looked at words as though I were seeing them for the first time."
~ Ernest Hemingway

Hey there! :)

Welcome to my blog... even if it's still empty. :D

So yeah, this really isn't my first time blogging but due to circumstances... I stopped. And now, I'm back! I don't really know what prompted me into writing again after almost two years... but here I am. :) So there... this will be my official site (parang artista lang eh noh) where I will be posting all my stuffs--wacky, sabaw, serious, happy, kilig, badtrip, laughtrip, foodtrip, songtrip, schooltrip, wala-lang realities. :))

~ C. Chua

Hey you!
Yes you.
I love you